it was so easy.

i spent my morning at starbucks for a meeting about the launch of via coffee (otherwise known as instant starbucks coffee). it is supposed to be the biggest thing since frappucinos. i see it as the biggest thing since crap. because it is. but don't tell my boss i said that.

right after the meeting, i hoped into scott's minivan (through the window like a badass i might add) with kaarlie and we went to mcdonald's (i had a piece of his hashbrown. sorry, arteries.). i really did have a great time which seems ridiculous seeing as that was the first hour and a half of my day. everything else wasn't favorable. i went to st-hubert mall complex downtown to get my film for my assignment. i then bused home with a baby crying for help from bonaventure to auto george gagne, got a new bike lock, and walked home. then worked on my photo assignment until it got dark which was then followed by me potentially ruining my film which i will not know until i get it developed. which is supposed to be done by monday. we are saturday night. i have work followed immediately by a concert tomorrow. also, i have editing from 8 to 11 on monday followed by my photo class at 11. i am the definition of doomed.

between the apertures and shutter speeds, i felt inadequate. my mother has been writing these messages all around the house in window markers saying things like "why do we just get along?" and "god will provide" over and over again. she makes me feel bad for working early when i can't work any other time and made those shifts to fit HER schedule. she told me the other day that i had a vinegar face. which i do nowadays because she doesn't bother paying for anything (i mean my food when SHE doesn't have any or my school supplies), and she decides to step in when her schedule or mood allows it. but she called me the cynic of the house and said things would be better if i gained a little perspective. the statement itself just makes me want to cry. i'm only cynical here because the only living thing happy to see me is my puppy when i am holding the leash or supper. i feel as though i have overstayed my welcome. my mother also got into the topic of her wanting companionship and how she was lonely. she then said that she wished my father would find someone else so he could just leave us alone. i then got hot-tempered (with good reason) saying that i would not wish my father or his behaviour and actions on anyone so i wish for him to dissolve. she then went back to the fact that she wanted someone there. i believe she even mentioned how the possibility of having a girlfriend didn't fancy her because she would feel safe and lighthearted with a man. i cannot tolerate my fifty-something year old mother having this conversation with me. yes, i am an adult. but i have been putting up with conversations of high impact since a young age. i still feel like that 10 year old who would hide in her mother's closet reading harry potter trying not to think of the taxes i knew had to be paid.

*sigh* i just wish that the empty space of my couch earlier tonight wasn't so empty.

i have to go. my nightmare's await.